Misgivings About Life

2009-04-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

Weeping In the silence
A friend sings
I am lost in the echo of the tires on the pavement
Through the miles that lie between here and there
Tears and Rain mix into a flood of emotion
As darkness shadows the silent tears
Falling deeply into my heart
No words spoken
Yet grief shows so clearly
Its six letters bring fear
As one word melts
Everything away leaving only rubble behind
Pieces of the life before
We ever knew C A N C E R

2008-12-12T09:25:00.001-08:00

If you think that we are spiritual beings having a human experience then that automatically changes the way in which you view life. For me I find that when bad things happen and we say almost to ourselves, that's just life, then we seem to be accepting that stuff happens. If we accept that all the stuff in our lives is for our own good, than we know that the day will come that our human experience must end. That is the birth we call Death. Life is short, a temporary experience where we learn to follow gods plan. When we return to his presence he may ask us how was your life? If we respond well it was life.... Will that really be an adequate response. Will he be well pleased with us if we can only say it was a life. If we think about this, we really only have one shoot to get it right. So, for me I a going to take this next year and try harder to get it right. TO look at life as a joyful experience and embrace all the bad as I embrace all the good.

2008-12-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

My brain is frozen! Ya know like when your computer freezes up on you. It's still working, but nothing is happening. that's how I feel today!
One paper is done, another in progress and another waiting on the sidelines. It almost sounds like a sporting event....
it's also kinda foggy in my brain today. So i guess the weather is frozen and foggy in my world today. The perfect day to stay home and read Wicked, or Red Wall. I also would love to have a long slow....
Well any way! I am still a hectic as ever. I was however able to catch a few minutes to work on some poetry. I am still revising not close to being ready to post. That is always a nice time to think.

2008-12-09T14:13:00.000-08:00

It's the Holiday Season and i am reminded of the first Christmas i spent married. It was such a wonderful time. I had been married about 10 months and life was full of sweetness and utter happiness. I find myself wanting to feel that peace and happiness again. A dear friend over dinner the other night told me that happiness comes when you least are looking or expecting it. She is right in my mind. When we do all that we have been asked to we are blessed and those blessings bring happiness.
I am always so very happy to have the time to reflect on why it is that we celebrate this season. It is not about bright lites, pretty packages with expensive gifts. For me it is about a baby who came to earth to bring the truth to a world that needed to find its way home. I am ever thankful for the gospel and all that I know and believe to be true.
I think of the time that I spent down in Arizona. My first Christmas away from home i was a little sad but i know that I was where my Heavenly Father would have be. I was in Winslow Arizona, in Northern Arizona. (and yes i have a picture Standing on the Corner) I remember how good I felt as my companion and i went and attended to our duties. It was wonderful to feel the love of the Lord and to give that love back to all those around me.
That is what I am going to strive to do is to give others what I know they need and I know that my Heavenly Father will bless me and my family.
The school semester is dying away and only the faint glow of embers remains as I write papers and think about all I have experienced this fall. It is a blessing to be able to get an education and to know that I am doing all that is required. Keeping focused on what is truely important and not letting the little pitfalls get in the way is all that we can do somedays. I know I am blessed, remebering that when bad days come is the hard part. But thats the challenge to remain true and steadfast to all that you hold dear and beleive to be true.

2008-12-04T19:20:00.001-08:00

This is a song I have been messing with for a while!

TILL THERE WAS YOU MAR 08/27/99

How could I have known
We'd meet like this
You just home, me not really looking at all
Lots of friends in my circle
But no I could love
Till there were you

CHORUS

You touch my spirit with your spirit
You heal my heart
And I feel so at peace by your side
I never knew it could be like this
I wasn't expecting love to come looking for me
And when I wasn't watching
You came in and swept my heart away
But I don't mind
I was just surprised

(You came in and gave me the Love
I was waiting for
I never knew it was gonna be this easy to love
But it is
And I don't mind)

Chorus

Now here you are
I think I could love you
I like you so much
The way you look at me
The little wink
The way your smile makes me so happy
It fills my heart with joy
In a way I never knew before
Till there were you

I love that I can feel the spirit with you
That you know the Savior
I love knowing you want to be sealed in God's house
That you want the same things that I want

I love that I finally met you.
That at last here we are
I never would have thought I would be in love
With someone as wonderful as you

You feel me up with love and the spirit
I am so thankful for the lord
For allowing me to be loved by you.

Chorus

Just remember, no matter what I am better cause I was loved by you
I will always remember the day we met
And when we go to the lord’s house and become Eternal companions
I know my love for you will grow and grow
I love that way you make me feel
The spirit you carry with you.
I am so glad I get to experience this wonderful love I never knew existed

Repeat Chorus and ( )

You touch my spirit with your spirit
You heal my heart
The way you smile fills my heart with joy
In a way I never knew
Till there was you!
Till there was you!

ramblings of my scattered mind

2008-12-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

The time spent riding a car has proved for me to be one of the most valuable opportunities to reflect on life and the choices that I have made. Even with the noise of the radio, talking and paying attention to the road. I find that the quiet thoughts of my mind radiate from my mind are often scattered. While some of them reflect back on the events of the day but most of these thoughts are the quiet pondering and emotions of my heart. Most recently I have been think about my family. My Mom has given me so very much and yet I give her so little. I think that must be the way of parents. Which brings me to the gospel. My Heavenly Father also have given me so very much. I am so blessed to have the gospel and to be able to live at time when I have the freedom to practice my beliefs.

Why is it then when I rationally know that I am blessed do I feel that my life is not exactly as I would have liked it to have turned out. Which makes me sound ungrateful for all I am blessed with. So then I question my testimony, am a standing on the firm ground of the gospel, or am I standing on the edge of a prescibus that lead straight to the cold dark world that is far from solid ground. I question so often whether I am strong enough to withstand the storms that are upon me. I am sure that no matter what I do it will work out. The consequences the choices may be difficult, but the reason and the rhyme all seem to flow together in a jumble of emotional baggage that is currently being hauled around called the past.

Poem

2008-11-25T20:14:00.001-08:00

Untitled

Dark fog
Freezes the light
the words of lips fall frozen
Mindless thoughts swim in darkness
Screaming with no fear of being heard

Left to brew yestradays thoughts crash
A sea of emotions and thoughts fill the void
no person is left
all is gone
Only the mist of fog remains as the dawn rises
the mind left to roam free

Poem

2008-11-25T17:35:00.000-08:00

Faces

The faces of strange raindrops
Come crashing to the ground
Washed away
Never to be seen or known
I am among those face raindrops
Silently disappearing in the damp night
The endless unheard screams
Echoing in the deaf silence

Computers

2008-11-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

I believe that there is an alternative universe where little men ( women have better things to do) sit and push buttons that cause computers to self destruct. Its a travesty! But... What to do. Nothing you can do, other than sit at your computer and watch your beloved as it self destructs taking with it your very life and metaphorical soul. With no way to assist in its emergency medical care your huddle over the failing machine and bid all you know farewell.

2008-11-19T16:23:00.000-08:00

I am taking a U.S. History and Culture class and today we were discussing Victorian Ways in America. It was interesting that the idea that social reform occurs as they spread the WASP (white Anglo Saxon protestant) ideals. It seems that this is still how the world views itself. That one group ( the one that whoever.... belongs to) feels that it is right and superior in its way of life and beliefs. That they must create social change and reform by spreading their ideals. While I think that the sharing of ideas is great, but when those around us come off as this is the only way in which to believe or act we are discrediting the beliefs of others. I may not believe as some of my dearest friends, but they are in my view still children of a loving Heavenly Father. With that said, there are times and place in which standing up and saying enough is what is needed. We need to stand up for what we believe and preserve the way of life that we each desire. It is our right and duty as American citizens to remain free and live our lives as we choose.

2008-11-18T17:48:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been doing some deep thinking. Which at times is kinda scary. I find that my mind seems to focus on all that is negative around me. I have a belief that gives me strenght and desire to find the peace that can only come through righteous living. Even that is difficult in the crazy world that I live in. I was thinking that to be positive is a monumental task. If one person sets out to have a positive day with no negativity and no negative self talk what could be the outcome of such a choice. It seems to me that I am very guilty of looking at things through a lens of doubt and mistrust. If I can start out by having just one hour of positiveness and then incorporate that into my daily life I think that eventually change will happen.

2008-11-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

Looking at the days as they run into each other I am feeling that it shouldn't be November and a week away from Thanksgiving. I am concerned that life is just a all consuming ball of fire. I need to find a safe place where I am protected from the smoky haze that is all around.

Middle of the Night.

2008-11-17T00:19:00.000-08:00

The aimless words that flow from my often too busy mind seem jumbled and confused. It is the time of night when its finally quiet. I should be sleeping, but I can't quiet the voices in my head are loud enough to keep me from drifting off to the sweet release that sleep would certainly bring. Nothing seems to be of great importance and time is a place that never seems to leave me alone.
Perhaps I am not well. I don't feel ill but one can never know for sure if ones mind is in working order or not. It seems that I am aimlessly roaming a sea of books and pencils. I am just overcome by all that seems to be ahead on this road called life.
I think that perhaps I am not standing as close to what I believe as perhaps I portray. Could I be deceiving myself and all those around me. Could I be just a really good liar and not even be who I say that I am. I am tired. Blankness overcomes me and the morning comes fast. I am finding hope a heavy burden. It is all the world in one small word.